This has been the best Thanksgiving ever!

I'm up and about - and while I was contemplating the talk I've been asked to give Sunday and the events of the last month I realized it had been almost a month since I did anything in my blog. I'm going to have to watch that because I almost couldn't remember how to do this!
This last Month has been so busy! - Dad came to visit and very soon realized the best thing for him to do was stay. He spent a weekend in the hospital and has had a doctor's appointment almost every day since. Granted many of those appointments were for IV therapy - but still this last month has been basically going from one appointment to another. Dad is suffering now for the hard work and heroic deeds of his "youth". His kidneys aren't doing well and his back is fractured and pinching nerves which is causing a lot of pain. Through it all he is stoically persevering. When the pain makes him grit his teeth and turn pale and green he says, "one thing's for sure - it will start feeling better when it stops hurting!" He bears more without complaint than I would be able to bear and remain conscious. His heart aches for his beloved wife. All in all I wonder which pain is the hardest for him to bear.

Where this last year has been hard - it has not been the hardest year of my life. in many ways it has given me some of my most precious memories. It has also given me the best perspective and appreciation of life and its challenges and blessings. I am so grateful for all the blessings I've been given. For my family, my parents, my brothers and sisters, theirs spouses and children, My husband and children, and their spouses and children. I love the gospel and its teachings. I love the promise it gives that we can be together forever if we but endure. I love the gospel teachings that we are to bear one another's burdens that they may be light, because in that I know that I will never be alone to face the difficulties in my life. That my family and my gospel family will always be there to help and strengthen me. I am grateful for the country of my birth. I am grateful that as Americans we are willing to stand up for what is right and good and true and help others less fortunate in the world. That we are willing to protect those who a more vulnerable from the terrorists and dictators and really bad people that are out there. I'm grateful that as a people we don't just sit back and say it's their problem or their fault that the evils in the world are targeting them. I'm grateful that as a people and a world we are realizing that no one exists in a vacuum. That we have one world and we need to treat with everyone as though we were brothers, as we indeed are. Most of all I'm grateful for a kind and loving Heavenly Father, who planned for it all. Yes I can really say with all my heart this has been the best Thanksgiving ever!

I'm just taking it easy.

Whew! I finally have a minute to sit and just type! This week has been really crazy. Dad came to visit last Saturday and is staying for a week or so. Saturday was also shopping and getting things together for the week. Sunday was Stake Conference - Bob decided I should sleep instead so we missed a really great conference that was direct broadcast from SLC. We had Karen Adams (my sister) and her family as well as the missionaries over for dinner and family home evening. We had a spiritual message by the missionaries (who are both new to the ward - 4 days- and new to missionaries - one at 4 days and one at 6 months.) Monday Dad was helping Becky with her rabbits. He knows so much more about taking care of animals than anyone else I know. He got through to Becky how important it is to keep things neat and clean and organized. Taught her how to prepare the alfalfa for the rabbits (I didn't know that needed to be done). Now we have very happy rabbits. I'm happier too, because even though it about killed me, everything out there is CLEAN! I managed to hurt my back Tuesday and spent a very painful afternoon and evening in bed. Dad had been retaining water and about 11:00 he realized that it was getting really bad really fast. Off to the ER. We got there about 11:30. After the Dr checked him out she ordered a large IV dose of his diuretic. It was about 1:00 by the time they got to administer the meds. 45 minutes later (and a quart lighter) instead of looking like his legs and feet were going to explode he had wrinkles. All in all it was a pretty "fast" ER visit - we were only gone a little over 3 1/2 hours by the time we got home. The lab work showed his kidneys aren't doing well so now we have to find a Dr to follow up. The ER referred him to a Dr - who isn't accepting new patients. Our family doctor got sick and had to suddenly retire so it's just as well I have to look - I'd be looking anyway. Also the last 3 days has been a monumental effort to get Becky caught up with her school lessons. She was behind 2 full days of lessons Monday morning, added to the usual 5 lessons for that day. It took a lot of effort and concentration - something she's not real big on - but WE DID IT! As of now she has all her schoolwork and one of tomorrows lessons done. Looking at what I've done over the last 4 days I'm not surprised I'm exhausted! So for the rest of the day? I'm just taking it easy!

Today is just one day.

I'm sitting here feeling overloaded and overwhelmed. I'm trying not to feel sorry for myself, but it is definately an uphill battle. I spent the entire weekend in bed because it hurt so bad to try to walk it just wasn't worth it. (I really got up quite a bit - it just really hurt when I did.) I stayed in my most comfy pj's and read, slept or watched TV. It is amazing to me how tired just being in pain makes you. I'm beginning to loose hope that whatever is causing this is going to be easy to fix. And beginning to wonder if I can look forward to a life anytime soon.

Becky is so wonderful, and so frustrating. At times she seems so grown up, I forget she is still just a little girl. She's every bit as tall as I am - and since I was well under 5 foot until I was well over 15 it is really easy to expect a lot from her. Most of the time she's great and I go along floating and thinking wow - how did I get so lucky. Then there is the other stuff. Like most kids Becky isn't really fond of doing her chores. That is all inclusive, getting the dishes done and her room clean is easier done for her. And every time I'm tempted to do them for her I can hear Mom saying, "Why don't you love your daughter enough to teach her. Don't leave her unable to care for her family and herself."

When Mom was growing up she was the youngest of the girls, and since her sisters were older and more "capable" she was left out when it came time to do anything constructive. After much needling she was fianlly allowed to dust the furniture and iron the hankies. Other that that she was sent out to play. After her papa died and her mom had to go to work, Mom still didn't have much to do with the regular chores. At that point Mom was almost through High School. Can you imagine? One day after a long day working at the VA Hospital and a long ride home on the bus grandma came in and asked Mom if she couldn't have at least started dinner. It had never occured to Mom that it was a possibility. The next day Grandma came home to Mom's "dinner" - she had opened and heated up a can of beans. Grandma did all the cooking after that.

After her marriage she had to learn to cook and clean. It was hard going and I notice for years Dad was quite thin in the family pictures. By the time I came along Mom was quite a good cook and baker. Even with that she was determined to teach me all that she knew. When I got old enough (I started fixing dinner as per her instructions when I was 7) I took over basically all the cooking. My family cried as I left to get married - they had to go back to Mom's cooking. She was a good cook - I'm just better. What can I say - she was able to teach me how her mother cooked, even though she had never been able to do that herself.

All in all Mom left me much better prepared for life than she had been. I will just have to grit my teeth and stand my resolve and teach. That is a much more difficult job than doing! So off I go to love and nurture and teach my precious daughter. I can do that today - I can! And today is just one day.

Naptime

It's Naptime!

Mom was getting pretty tired, but she didn't want to be out of the loop - so we set her up on the couch and when she was tired she just took a nap.

Beth and her family had come up to see Mom and Dad and both great grandma and Alyssa were taking a much needed nap. Of course we had to get pictures!

I miss Mom - I suppose I always will. However I'm beining to look at the pictures we got as we knew her life was drawing to a close and getting some comfort from them. I'm so glad we had some warning so we could take the time to spend with her and get the pictures we wanted. Or at least we tried to get the pictures we wanted.

I can tell this is one that I will cherish.

That isn't life!

Do you ever find yourself just going through the days. You know what I mean - you get up, do the things that have to be done, and at the end of the day just drop into bed and hope to get through the next day. Not much thought, minimal effort, and not much fun either. Well, that is how I've been surviving the last few weeks. I'd get a glimpse of a better day. You know a moment or two that made it seem like things were really better, but for the most part I've been numb.
If you can imagine what things look like after 2 months of not much being done. I was gone to Mom's, or gone to the fair with Becky and her rabbits or gone to a rabbit show. The house was dismal, the laundry room couldn't be walked in, the kitchen didn't shine, but was almost reasonable. and since the pool has been turned off most of the time it looks dusty on the water. It's hard to imagine dusty water - but it is! Monday the stress got high enough I broke. That is the only way I can describe it. I was trying to impress my 10 year old about how dismal the house was. And she said, "It's not that bad - it's not everywhere." When I complained she said, "it's not in the cupboards!" That was it, I just could not do it anymore. I couldn't even talk to Becky for an hour.
Bob had planned to take me to Tri Cities for dinner and going to the bookstore. I read myself to sleep every night and I was out of books. I was so upset I didn't want to go at all. Sweetheart to the rescue! Bob drug me out saying all the way, "you need to go." We were picking up some bare essentials at Costco and while I found the printer and software we had to have, Bob ran around for milk etc. When we were done he said, "Look what I got you!" as he held up Brisingr - a book we had been anxiously awaiting. That took care of the immediate need for the bookstore too. After dinner at Taco Time I felt so much better. I could even smile at Becky!
It made me realize that I needed to do some things differently. I had to go to Pendleton for allergy shots so rather than taking a fast 2 hour trip and rushing to get some work done I took my time and ran a few errands. The day was "shot" and I was tired, but I could still function.
And today? Today I'm taking another much needed break - yes I'll take care of some errands along the way. But one can hardly look at lunch with Beth (my married daughter) with only the baby (who mom has to feed) along, shopping and hanging out, work! But we'll know how it goes after it goes.
Talking to my Dad helps. He has been in Missouri staying with my brother, Bob. Bob is building a castle (literally) and Dad has gotten to play on a backhoe while he's there. I say play because work can't be that fun. Seeing Dad on a cat or backhoe is the same look you get when a preschooler is told they can have anything and everything in the candy store they want. Yes it's that good. It does my heart good to be able to talk to him, even about Mom, and neither of us end up crying.
Yes, there is life. and it is worth living. We have to put in the effort to live, or all we have is an existance. And that isn't life!

Get on with it

My sister,Tami, has been after me for months to do this. She sent me an email today with the links and everything, so I really can't procrastinate any longer. Hopefully this will help, and not make everyone who reads it depressed. Since the first part of July this year my major focus has been on my mom,Ruth, and my daughter, Becky. To be truthful Becky was really getting the short shift, but since we both knew Mom was dying, we both realized that was how it had to be for right now. We spent every moment possible with her, and we treasure each moment we had. Mom died August 30th and her funeral was the 6th of September. Since then I've been trying to put my life back together. I've been having problems with chest pains for the last year, but I can't tell now how much of the pain I'm feeling is my "heart" and how much is profound sadness. Over the years I've kept in close contact with Mom, and since the advent of unlimited long distance calling I've talked to her every day at least once. I thought it was hard when she moved back to Washington, and I knew I was going to miss her soooo much. I really wasn't prepared for how empty I would be left feeling. Several times a day I'll think - oh I need to let Mom know about - and then I realize she is beyond my phone calls now.

How wonderful it is to have really great parents! How much we need to remember this as we raise our own children. My parents were by no means perfect. Thank heavens for that! I feel enough pressure to be the best person I can be, both daughter, sister, wife, mother and grandmother, without the added pressure of having to match a parents perfection. How grateful I am for the lessons taught by my parents! not the least of which is my children will survive and thrive in spite of my mistakes.

How grateful I am for a loving Heavenly Father who realized that we would never be beyond the need for our parents and made it possible for us to be families forever. That no matter how much time we have in this life, there are always more things we want to do and learn and see. And how grateful I am to know that Mom lives! To know that her shell has given up and couldn't go on, but she will continue forever, and we will be able be together again.

So where now I may feel profound sadness and miss Mom sooo much now. I know there is light at the end of the tunnel, and that soon I'll be able to think of Mom, and remember all - the good and the sad with celebration at the wonderful life she had and we shared.