That isn't life!

Do you ever find yourself just going through the days. You know what I mean - you get up, do the things that have to be done, and at the end of the day just drop into bed and hope to get through the next day. Not much thought, minimal effort, and not much fun either. Well, that is how I've been surviving the last few weeks. I'd get a glimpse of a better day. You know a moment or two that made it seem like things were really better, but for the most part I've been numb.
If you can imagine what things look like after 2 months of not much being done. I was gone to Mom's, or gone to the fair with Becky and her rabbits or gone to a rabbit show. The house was dismal, the laundry room couldn't be walked in, the kitchen didn't shine, but was almost reasonable. and since the pool has been turned off most of the time it looks dusty on the water. It's hard to imagine dusty water - but it is! Monday the stress got high enough I broke. That is the only way I can describe it. I was trying to impress my 10 year old about how dismal the house was. And she said, "It's not that bad - it's not everywhere." When I complained she said, "it's not in the cupboards!" That was it, I just could not do it anymore. I couldn't even talk to Becky for an hour.
Bob had planned to take me to Tri Cities for dinner and going to the bookstore. I read myself to sleep every night and I was out of books. I was so upset I didn't want to go at all. Sweetheart to the rescue! Bob drug me out saying all the way, "you need to go." We were picking up some bare essentials at Costco and while I found the printer and software we had to have, Bob ran around for milk etc. When we were done he said, "Look what I got you!" as he held up Brisingr - a book we had been anxiously awaiting. That took care of the immediate need for the bookstore too. After dinner at Taco Time I felt so much better. I could even smile at Becky!
It made me realize that I needed to do some things differently. I had to go to Pendleton for allergy shots so rather than taking a fast 2 hour trip and rushing to get some work done I took my time and ran a few errands. The day was "shot" and I was tired, but I could still function.
And today? Today I'm taking another much needed break - yes I'll take care of some errands along the way. But one can hardly look at lunch with Beth (my married daughter) with only the baby (who mom has to feed) along, shopping and hanging out, work! But we'll know how it goes after it goes.
Talking to my Dad helps. He has been in Missouri staying with my brother, Bob. Bob is building a castle (literally) and Dad has gotten to play on a backhoe while he's there. I say play because work can't be that fun. Seeing Dad on a cat or backhoe is the same look you get when a preschooler is told they can have anything and everything in the candy store they want. Yes it's that good. It does my heart good to be able to talk to him, even about Mom, and neither of us end up crying.
Yes, there is life. and it is worth living. We have to put in the effort to live, or all we have is an existance. And that isn't life!

Get on with it

My sister,Tami, has been after me for months to do this. She sent me an email today with the links and everything, so I really can't procrastinate any longer. Hopefully this will help, and not make everyone who reads it depressed. Since the first part of July this year my major focus has been on my mom,Ruth, and my daughter, Becky. To be truthful Becky was really getting the short shift, but since we both knew Mom was dying, we both realized that was how it had to be for right now. We spent every moment possible with her, and we treasure each moment we had. Mom died August 30th and her funeral was the 6th of September. Since then I've been trying to put my life back together. I've been having problems with chest pains for the last year, but I can't tell now how much of the pain I'm feeling is my "heart" and how much is profound sadness. Over the years I've kept in close contact with Mom, and since the advent of unlimited long distance calling I've talked to her every day at least once. I thought it was hard when she moved back to Washington, and I knew I was going to miss her soooo much. I really wasn't prepared for how empty I would be left feeling. Several times a day I'll think - oh I need to let Mom know about - and then I realize she is beyond my phone calls now.

How wonderful it is to have really great parents! How much we need to remember this as we raise our own children. My parents were by no means perfect. Thank heavens for that! I feel enough pressure to be the best person I can be, both daughter, sister, wife, mother and grandmother, without the added pressure of having to match a parents perfection. How grateful I am for the lessons taught by my parents! not the least of which is my children will survive and thrive in spite of my mistakes.

How grateful I am for a loving Heavenly Father who realized that we would never be beyond the need for our parents and made it possible for us to be families forever. That no matter how much time we have in this life, there are always more things we want to do and learn and see. And how grateful I am to know that Mom lives! To know that her shell has given up and couldn't go on, but she will continue forever, and we will be able be together again.

So where now I may feel profound sadness and miss Mom sooo much now. I know there is light at the end of the tunnel, and that soon I'll be able to think of Mom, and remember all - the good and the sad with celebration at the wonderful life she had and we shared.